Hello blog, how I have not missed you, yet, I find myself expressing myself once more.
Such a rollercoaster life is. I have extreme lows, and in contrast, fairly few highs.
I don't expect anyone to guess, know or relate to how I feel, because I am odd.
So many things have happened since my blog in April of last year.. I don't know what prompted me to write here for the free interwebs world to take and use it against me some day.. perhaps.
I feel so very fucking alone, even though mum is still here with me.
I need to possibly lose 20kgs, at least to feel some sort of happiness.
The other option is anti-depressants. Or maybe both..?
I can't seem to understand why people take me.. use me.. and throw me away..?
There was Jo. A girl who I thought actually liked me, used me when I was at my most vulnerable. Used the excuse that her Aunty was kicking her out to get to me, I felt sorry for her. I took her in and helped her try to feel better from all the crap happening in her life.
That didn't seem to make her warm to me. I don't think she hugged me once when she was in my rented house with Pat, and even afterwards, I haven't recieved ONE shard of comfort from her.
When my grandfather died, she used the excuse "I've only just accepted that I'll never see my mother again". I'm sorry, but excuse me, your mother died 12 years ago, HOW IS THAT MEANT TO HELP ME GRIEVE? I needed support, not a fucking sob story about how you can't get over your ancient past. She always turned my grieving into her own.
With my breakup with Stu, I was shattered, but all Jo could do was make some rubbish about him texting abuse to her to get me to hate him. I could never hate him. He's an amazing person, and as much as I liked to think highly of her, I just couldn't believe her. I trusted my heart too much I guess.
There has been a recent event that I can't post on here that involves Jo, as it may affect my job (which it already has, SO THANKS IF YOU EVER DO READ THIS, I KNOW IT WAS YOU) but I hope you're riddled with guilt. Have I not stood by EVERY decision you've ever made? Have I always tried to support you? Who drove you to the Emergency department when you cut yourself open badly? Who took you in when you had no where else to go? Who drove you to and from Ben's house.. Oh, yes, it was me!
I hope you have a great life. Without me. Lets see how great your 'real' friends are when they find out you're a backstabber, just like I have. The only trouble with me is that I forgave you too many times, too often.
I find myself spending endless nights thinking about my life. Why people treat me with such disrespect, why I can't seem to keep anyone interested in me for more than a short amount of time. I also have this niggling pain in my heart that makes me writhe with pain for hours on end. I don't know if it's a bodily malfunction.. or whether it's just emotional.
I guess it's my desperation.
I did like Damien a bit. A fair more than a bit I suppose. I wasn't in love... but I was looking for his ..approval? or maybe his adoration. I know he was attatched already, but I wanted just a friendship that NEVER backfired on me, and it seemed I had found it at the time.
ERRRMYYYYGODDDD do I attract the wrong kind of friendships or what?
The last time I saw him, he gave me a big hug, something he never does.. it was really out of character for him. I didn't exactly want affection from him, but rather someone i can talk to without feeling guilty or any other shit emotion.
That night I ended up going out to one of his mum's friend's houses, got really really drunk, smoked 23 cigarettes and a bong.. and was very very sick later on. I never saw him again after that. His mother was a right bitch to him, probably kicked him out, or he might have just left. I don't understand why he didn't tell me? I don't understand why he stopped answering my calls and why he never texted back.
I guess I was back to square one. Alone. Quite like what I am now.
I went to the doctors not long ago, just to see what I can do about this depression that's been hanging over me for 7 years. It really has almost become out of control.. I feel like I'm so trapped and alone it isn't funny.
I have parents who are concerned, no doubt about it. That doesn't seem to be enough for me. I need someone to ask me how my day was and offer me support daily.. not just when no one else is talking to them.
I've really come to the fork in the road of my life.. sad and as 'attention seeking' as it may sound I really do only wish to be happy. All I want.
All i want is to feel loved and have the energy to love back.
But then again I might just forget about it when I go to bed tonight and wake up the same.. depressed.. unhappy me.
I know I'm a waste of space, so no need to rub it in, as so many of you so curteously MAKE IT KNOWN.
I'm not a dog, I'm not any sort of animal. I'm a person who's just trying the best I fucking can. Why can't you just see?
