:(

I'm at the point now, where I want to know whether we are friends, whether i can trust you and whether i want to even bother. I am not fishing for compliments, i just want to know.
So why do you ignore me so much?

I hate this, it's making me break. You don't know your effect on me.

I have the slightest niggling feeling that all Aaron wants from me is sex, which is why I'm ignoring him. I hope he realises sooner rather than later,

Dear Stu, if you ever get to read this..
I love you, you are the best friend I've ever had.. You're just the most beautiful person.. you look past everyone's flaws, mine in particular, you know I'm paranoid. You know what to say, and when to say it, and I'm so thankful that I have you. There is so many times I want to tell you that you're just the most awesome person in the world, but I don't want to get your ego too inflated :)

Stacey, who I know will not see this, but just in case.
I love you, and when I get to know more about you, it just makes me appreciate how beautiful you really are. You're such a lovely, sweet person, when I met you, the first thing I thought was, wow, she's really great! I have proven myself right! I have known you 8 months, which seems like aaaaages, but it's like I met you yesterday. I enjoy our little dinners on Friday nights.

Matt,
I love you, you're my brother, but you frustrate me so much. I don't know what to say? I don't want to say anything that may upset you, but all I feel is that you don't care about me.

I want to say more, but what CAN I say? I think I've probably said too much, but now I'm just going to shut up and not say any more.

27.06.2010

I had a very good conversation with Leah today. She told me exactly what I needed to hear.
I need to stop blaming everyone for my insecurities and deal with myself. I needed so badly to hear that. This way I can move on and be happy, and not feel like im totally alone.

I went through about a month of feeling total and utter rejection. I don't get a lot of text messages, not to mention Aaron being an asshole after what happened between us. I have put about.. 4 kilos back on and I need to get back onto my diet so I can feel better about myself. I have to lose this weight. It is a burdon.

Instead of bottling up my feelings, I am going to use this to get rid of them.

I don't know what to do for my birthday.. I don't have any money.
Sigh.

I hope I get permenancy soon.

Various thoughts and current feelings.

Hello blog, how I have not missed you, yet, I find myself expressing myself once more.

Such a rollercoaster life is. I have extreme lows, and in contrast, fairly few highs.
I don't expect anyone to guess, know or relate to how I feel, because I am odd.
So many things have happened since my blog in April of last year.. I don't know what prompted me to write here for the free interwebs world to take and use it against me some day.. perhaps.

I feel so very fucking alone, even though mum is still here with me.

I need to possibly lose 20kgs, at least to feel some sort of happiness.
The other option is anti-depressants. Or maybe both..?

I can't seem to understand why people take me.. use me.. and throw me away..?

There was Jo. A girl who I thought actually liked me, used me when I was at my most vulnerable. Used the excuse that her Aunty was kicking her out to get to me, I felt sorry for her. I took her in and helped her try to feel better from all the crap happening in her life.
That didn't seem to make her warm to me. I don't think she hugged me once when she was in my rented house with Pat, and even afterwards, I haven't recieved ONE shard of comfort from her.
When my grandfather died, she used the excuse "I've only just accepted that I'll never see my mother again". I'm sorry, but excuse me, your mother died 12 years ago, HOW IS THAT MEANT TO HELP ME GRIEVE? I needed support, not a fucking sob story about how you can't get over your ancient past. She always turned my grieving into her own.

With my breakup with Stu, I was shattered, but all Jo could do was make some rubbish about him texting abuse to her to get me to hate him. I could never hate him. He's an amazing person, and as much as I liked to think highly of her, I just couldn't believe her. I trusted my heart too much I guess.

There has been a recent event that I can't post on here that involves Jo, as it may affect my job (which it already has, SO THANKS IF YOU EVER DO READ THIS, I KNOW IT WAS YOU) but I hope you're riddled with guilt. Have I not stood by EVERY decision you've ever made? Have I always tried to support you? Who drove you to the Emergency department when you cut yourself open badly? Who took you in when you had no where else to go? Who drove you to and from Ben's house.. Oh, yes, it was me!

I hope you have a great life. Without me. Lets see how great your 'real' friends are when they find out you're a backstabber, just like I have. The only trouble with me is that I forgave you too many times, too often.

I find myself spending endless nights thinking about my life. Why people treat me with such disrespect, why I can't seem to keep anyone interested in me for more than a short amount of time. I also have this niggling pain in my heart that makes me writhe with pain for hours on end. I don't know if it's a bodily malfunction.. or whether it's just emotional.

I guess it's my desperation.

I did like Damien a bit. A fair more than a bit I suppose. I wasn't in love... but I was looking for his ..approval? or maybe his adoration. I know he was attatched already, but I wanted just a friendship that NEVER backfired on me, and it seemed I had found it at the time.
ERRRMYYYYGODDDD do I attract the wrong kind of friendships or what?

The last time I saw him, he gave me a big hug, something he never does.. it was really out of character for him. I didn't exactly want affection from him, but rather someone i can talk to without feeling guilty or any other shit emotion.

That night I ended up going out to one of his mum's friend's houses, got really really drunk, smoked 23 cigarettes and a bong.. and was very very sick later on. I never saw him again after that. His mother was a right bitch to him, probably kicked him out, or he might have just left. I don't understand why he didn't tell me? I don't understand why he stopped answering my calls and why he never texted back.

I guess I was back to square one. Alone. Quite like what I am now.

I went to the doctors not long ago, just to see what I can do about this depression that's been hanging over me for 7 years. It really has almost become out of control.. I feel like I'm so trapped and alone it isn't funny.

I have parents who are concerned, no doubt about it. That doesn't seem to be enough for me. I need someone to ask me how my day was and offer me support daily.. not just when no one else is talking to them.

I've really come to the fork in the road of my life.. sad and as 'attention seeking' as it may sound I really do only wish to be happy. All I want.
All i want is to feel loved and have the energy to love back.

But then again I might just forget about it when I go to bed tonight and wake up the same.. depressed.. unhappy me.

I know I'm a waste of space, so no need to rub it in, as so many of you so curteously MAKE IT KNOWN.

I'm not a dog, I'm not any sort of animal. I'm a person who's just trying the best I fucking can. Why can't you just see?

Argh

Ok, it's been a few weeks since I have posted my thoughts and wasted feelings on here.
I am now back at my job, I was called in to work a week after I was put off, obviously I AM an asset to them no matter how much they deny it.

I have been having a shit time at work though. Shit only because I have RSI in both wrists.
I am not going on MSN.
If you want to talk to me, you know my fucking number, give me a text or even a call.

My wrists just throb constantly, then have a shooting pain from my wrist up my arm and back down again. (bad grammar but who cares)

Ill be surprised if anyone actually reads this blog

Tomorrow is Bob's birthday and im stumped for what to give him? Maybe a 6 pack of TEDs will do him. What to get a 25 year old.. Jeez.

I keep on thinking about the other night with Jim. I wonder if what he said is true. I keep running it through my mind. I guess I can hope. Jimmy is such a sweetheart. Our drunken heart to hearts. lol.

I'm over my jealousy. People can have their relationships, it doesn't bother me any more.
You can have all the heartache involved, the wasted words, the 'i love you's' that you'll never hear back. The unsatisfactory relationship. I'm glad I don't have one. It took me too long to get over my last. I dont handle rejection easily. I was clearly 100% in love with him, for it to take me so long. I wish him well. May their future be promising.

I just wish we could be as close as we were, because in a big way i feel ive lost him.

An interesting week ahead

I have no work on the schedual at Quality Desserts. Doubting very highly I will be called in and employed with them this week. It's their own fault I think. If they lose me, they will struggle to find another like me. Someone who works as hard as me, or even shows up on time.

So this week will be filled in with doing odd jobs for people (for money).
Other than that, I'll borrow some movies off Damien and have a marathon ^^

I'm currently watching Underworld. The first of the trilogy was quite good. If you like vampires and warewolves, blood and guts. I reccommend it.

The second movie I am watching now, is quite confusing. Not to mention, I watched the movies in the wrong order, watching Underworld 3 first, and Underworld second. These movies seem to have a Star Wars esque feel. The third movie is more like the first and the first is the third if you catch my drift. Like Star Wars, the first movie was actually the last.

I have nothing but mowing lawns and babysitting planned for tomorrow. Yay.
I guess time will tell if QD actually call me in. I'm kinda counting on it. I really hope they do.